Dear Journal (depression)


Journal book

Dear Journal

Good morning planet I avert my eyes again or do I? Am I really in a dream state?

My mind is so messed up I have an astute longing for company but I am shy feeling self-conscious through others. I thought I possessed everything money, nice house, partner and well-fitted clothes. But in these desperate times, I lost my job and my girlfriend wanted more. Working hard trying to support her and my needs she wanted nice clothing, food, an idyllic place to live, no kids just excitement. Sex was constant or was it just lust? I craved passion through any means possible but did I actually enjoy it? The release of tension yes but then it’s nothing roll over and get on with other things in my life. Did I deeply love her or was she using me for other means? Feelings of hopelessness a walking catastrophe I feel so vexed with myself furious with life it has no driven purpose.

Why am I here in the first place I didn’t ask to be created or want to be. Dead inside a void in my happiness… no, just a void. I am not happy just hollow trapped screaming in a life that is a lie. Fragmented ideas not my own with no identity. What I perceive with human eyes everything crumbles into dust right in front of me.

I see strangers not friends self-loathing hating everything. I never wanted to die inside yet that’s how I feel my mind mocking my soul. I search always for answers fearing the future, dark clouds latching onto anxiety laughing pushing away any identity I once possessed.

Peering to my right an exquisitely crafted book caught the attention. It was elaborately made filigree gold with purple and white infused colours that blended seamlessly. A gift from my Grandmother who sadly passed away five years ago to this day. The cover read My Journal. I had never opened this book before…things to write about… I sneered at myself. It was a beautiful ornament catching dust, not ideas. Grandma bathed me in devotion she was the only person who I connected with in these troubled times I loved her immensely. Journals clasp had a golden dove cascading down with seven shimmering bands fanned caressing the book tightly shut.

Thoughts popped into my mind where is your great companion the Holy Spirit helper and comforter? I looked back at the journal perplexed Was the Dove winking at me or was I tricked, should I give up?

“No you should not give up but I am forced to live in a world lost.”

What’s happening I pondered am I having an eternal conversation once again with myself? My reflection is answering me back! Clicking the clasp of the book it opened almost taking my breath away.

“Close your eyes my child write a letter to Jesus. You think too much what is wrong not what right flourish in eternal life with me. How do you treat others when you are depressed?”

“God if you were present you would have nurtured me not made me suffer day after day. When I walk I stumble with the Father, the wind deforms my skin… forcing me to live in a prison wandering lost I have no identity no spirit and no life.”

“You are wrong my child you are lost but you do have an identity it just needs help to guide you on the right path. You do have a spirit and one I will send to you to dwell inside you, comfort and be with you always. You have faith you cry out to me daily. I hear your cries your identity is stamped with Jesus Christ and The Holy Spirit.”

“You asked me to close my eyes and scribe a letter to Jesus?”

“You sit in shadows and in the darkness of death, but I have not turned away your cries or prayer. I am your rock of refuge Rejoice like a strong man that’s to run his race. In the days you cried out I answered you and made you bold with strength in your soul.”

journalism helped me work out my moods worries and problems. I explored issues trying to logically solve them. The Holy Spirit dwelled and became my comforter and I found a deep devotion to our Lord Jesus. If I needed a friend he became a quality friend never-failing my personal rock and foundation to life.

Teachings became positive self-talk notes became ideas transcending tenement that had power through the spirit to catch God. So I committed to a journal daily praying talking to Jesus, I found quiet time with my notes this helped me prepare the soul to have the deep worship of the Lord.

My symptoms grew less severity became serenity, stress breathed peace and side effects spread to non-existent, mood swings flooded happiness.

With my journal, I expressed through the Holy Spirit events, conversations, thoughts, activities, concerns, accomplishment’s, and interactions with others. Yes, you read right I now live my life as each day is my last. The spirit told me I could use this book as a self-teaching tool which then brought me to the ultimate book I had read bits off the Bible. The Holy Spirit helped me to go deep unlocking the Word of our beautiful creator. Using the journal I wrote and read how I could have done better with conjunction to scripture.

I had found my true identity we are all lost sheep needing to go back to the shepherd, Separated no longer my mind craved the son Jesus Christ.

I wrote down five positive things for the day.

I rated my emotions from one to five.

My feelings before were like a coiled snake now I buzzed expressive, wise and considerate.

When I look back I think to myself was life really that bad?

The Holy Spirit reprogrammed my thinking now when I wake I have a purpose, happiness and joy. I have learnt my grandmother left me a special book in which I found myself and my true identity. I love my Nan and miss her so much but I know she was there for me giving me thoughts, which was the spreading seed through a simple journal to eternal life and happiness with our Lord Jesus Christ my best friend. Let’s not forget the spirit that dwells too! Comforter and guide satisfaction guaranteed. I now am married to a beautiful wife with two kids and I teach them these principles.

Your life is not your own you were designed to be in the image of God. This is a big privilege and your lost identity your badge of honour. As we walk in the spirit and not in the flesh lose all your inhabitations be humble be wise, love your God who deserves praise as he created everything. Respect him and love the Son Jesus Christ spend time with him and write a journal of all your experiences. Write down psalms his word that marks your heart and soul, love your neighbour be joyful and respect his moral laws. Finally, remember there are a helper and comforter in times of trouble he is your quality companion The Holy Spirit.

Blessed With The Spirit
Blessed With The Spirit